• Devyn

I'm 23 // What's to Come This Year

Hi all! I know it's always been a while, I promise I'm working on that. Before we get into the post, I wanted to let you know that it's been a challenging year or so, and while I normally try to explain everything in one single blog post, I want to try something different and gradually explain things to you all as time goes on. I'm walking through a very different and terrifying season of life right now, and if the last six months-ish have taught me anything, it would be that I am learning and realizing things about myself, my childhood, and my future every day. I feel like instead of writing all of the things I can remember off of the top of my head now to give you all an update, I should just kind of drop things in here and there, so as to not overwhelm you and not have to write super long posts filled with more feelings over and over again. For now, I want to focus on moving forward through this season of my life (grief, and you'll hear more about that on Friday), and trying to integrate some of the things that make me happy back into my life again. I also want you to know that this is going to be all over the place. Just a heads up, I am a bit rusty.

I know that explanation was a bit vague and you may be even more confused, but it's about all I can give your right now. If you want, you can also listen to my podcast, Win the Marathon, where I talk about my journey with grief in tonight's episode. Long story short, my mom died and it's been hard.

Every year, my mom made my birthday one of my favorite days of the year, and while many people tried this year, I really just wanted the day to go by, without much pomp and circumstance, and move on. I had a good day, and it pretty much went by just how I wanted it to. May was a really hard month for me, it was the 15th anniversary of my grandmother's death, which was the first time I ever experienced real heartbreak, mother's day, which was hard without my mom, my birthday, and then the six month anniversary of my mom's death. I was also subconsciously triggered and ended up coping with all of these things by being reckless and impulsive, something that later required me to admit fault in myself to some of the people I love most. Needless to say, I have not had the best May. I turned 23 and was very anxious about being 23 and still an undergraduate student. All of this combined was not a good time.

That being said, I had either an epiphany or a come to Jesus meeting or something on Monday. It was bizarre -- things and routines that I had planned to implement into my life for years, working out, quiet time, journaling, I just started doing them. I've always been a sayer and not a doer. It is one of my biggest insecurites. I have always been doing things (or, saying I am going to do things) for other people, it seems. To make my parents proud, to impress my friends or peers, or to give Dalton another reason to love me. I feel like these past few days, and I am aware that it has only been three days, have just been for me. To make me feel good about myself, make me proud, and give me a way to distract myself from the grief.

While I cannot predict the future, I want to believe that this next year, year 23, my Jordan year (my mom loved Michael Jordan, so that's a bit bittersweet), will be better than the last few. I want to think that I will continue with this little routine of doing things that I've created for myself, that I'll get back into blogging and podcasting like I used to be, or always intended to be, that I'll have fun planning my wedding (yes, I also got engaged while I was away), and that I'll be fulfilled volunteering. I also want to travel, try new things, eat good food, laugh a lot, and make lots of memories with my people, maybe even meet a few new people.

If you remember the one other blog I made this year, my word for the year is intention. I'm finding now it means something a little different than I thought it did. I am intending to live my life for myself and not for other people. I want to demand respect, the love I deserve from family members, and kindness (you would think people have been kinder since my mom died... not so much).

Like I said before, this is a bit rambly of me, and I don't really know if I accomplished anything by telling you random thoughts I've had, but again, I'm trying to do things for myself. And this is what I think my life is going to look like now. At least I hope so.

Here's a picture of me and my girl.

20 views0 comments